A mere glimpse of reality. I felt something different, like a touch from inside my body. It was sneaking its way from my guts, to my heart, slowly grabbing the beating limb and squeezing it, harder, and harder. I couldn’t breathe. This, of course, only lasted for a few seconds. I get scared every time it happens. As you might have guessed, this wasn’t the first time. It happens when I either feel sick, or sorry for my self. Those two are often connected though. But, most frequently, it happens when I feel like, those who should care, doesn’t, and I want to test if my feeling is correct. I never learn my lesson, though. They never care. Actually, they laugh at me, say I’m pathetic, and I should stop making a fool out of my self. Fuck them, I think. Or that’s a lie. They still don’t give a shit – that’s what I think. Then, I just shut up. I go quiet, and maintain this state until I have grown so tired, and they have started to once again notice I am alive, talked to me, then let some time go, and then trick me into saying something. I never win this battle. I always, always, end up hurt. I guess it’s my own fault. I mean, why keep chasing something that I know is impossible to achieve in the way I hunt it? I am pathetic. I should go live in a fucking hole, or just realize that I can’t get what I want when it comes to them. To her. Bullshit.
All I need right now, is for you to hold me, make me feel save, while I cry my heart out, wipe a tear off my cheek and tell me it’ll be okay.
But you’re not here, or rather, I’m not there. Which is it? No matter what, what I need I can’t have, so why care, if I know it’s no use?
I think, all I really need, is to get a cat, lose it, then go to Japan and look for it, and see what the fuck happens. But I don’t want a cat, I don’t want to lose a cat, and I sure as hell do not want to go all the way to Japan, just to look for a cat, that I don’t want, but I have, and I lost!
I am so bloody tired, I just don’t give a shit. I feel like everything is getting to be rather familiar to how they used to be… get me away from here. Now. Take me home.
“Our love is like a song
But you won’t sing along
You’ve forgotten about us”
- Demi Lovato
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